Sunday, 30 December 2007

Seasoned with sneeze

I know I wasn't alone this Christmas in seasoning my offerings with sneeze. Up and down the country competent cooks, tolerable trifle titivators and practised poultry preppers will have been struggling to juggle the ingredients for the multiple yumptious accompaniments to that special meal. I trained as a chef at one point in my varied career, so as long as the items on the list are on standby in the fridge and on the shelves, pulling off the annual feast doesn't faze me.
There I stand, up to one elbow in chestnut, the other in apricot stuffing. My hands couldn't be greasier and that is the moment when the phone goes and my nose twitches.
I am surrounded by raw foodstuffs: the goose, devils on horseback and pigs in blankets to my left; the bread sauce, leeks and peas to my right; cranberry straight ahead; parboiled spuds, parsnips and carrots behind me and my hands encased in stuffing. My nose is full of onion and pepper scents. There is nowhere to turn my head and sneeze safely. I don't have a cold, but you can't always ensure a dry sneeze. I look at the phone, still ringing and utterly incapable of offering aid. There is a tissue in my apron pocket (yes, I wear an apron, ok?) but with hands covered in forcemeat what can I do?
I lift my head to the ceiling and sneeze upwards, no doubt creating a cloud of unwanted spice to descend on every part of the deliciousness about to be cooked. I tell myself that this is the magic ingredient I was missing. I wipe the stuffing from my hands and answer the phone.

11 comments:

mountainear said...

Bless you.

Flowerpot said...

I had a sneezing day but then unlike you I am a disaster in the kitchen! Happy New Year Mopsa!

Winchester whisperer said...

Happy New Year Mopsa!

Swearing Mother said...

I often thought the secret ingredient in most delicious foodstuffs was a good dusting of snot. Now I know I was right.

If at all possible, I try to sneeze into my shoulder/upper arm area and let my jumper catch the fallout if my hands are out of commission, but really we should do what men do, which is nothing. Just go right ahead and sneeze over everything and not worry about it. My husband often opens the fridge door, then coughs. It drives me bonkers.

Bless you Mopsa, have a great New Year.

Totty Teabag said...

Christmas is for sharing...

Happy New Year!

mutterings and meanderings said...

I am currently coughing for England. Don't know which is worse?

Gorilla Bananas said...

A teaspoon of coconut oil up the snout might have helped. Or have an outdoor kitchen like us gorillas.

tim relf said...

Happy New Year (and I hope the sneezing has stopped!)

Mopsa said...

Happy New Year all. You'll be pleased to know that the sneezed upon ingredients were our little secret, and the munchers were none the wiser.

lady thinker said...

Hope everything is well with you in the new year - just seen your foot prints over at Rilly's place so know you are out visiting rather than staying at home.

lady thinker said...

Whoops techie trouble again - I now found latest postings.